Once upon a time, I brought Dudu the mail. Between all the letters, which included invitation order to the court because of very critical sex crimes, non-paid parking reports and more, there was a letter from NASA. Dudu was excited like a baby who was just born. He opened the envelope but then he recalled that he doesn’t understand English. Since I was the only intellectual person in the set of “Parpar Nechamd” (Nice Butterfly), I started to read the letter to Dudu and to translate it into Hebrew simultaneity. And this was the content of the letter:
“Dear Mr. Zar, Hello!
The organization of NASA found it right to ask you
To volunteer to the target of examining
The livestock on the planet of “Abu-Christo”
Which is in another galaxy.
Your moustache – a large step to the humanity.”
There were two tickets to Hueston attached to the letter. Dudu saw TWO tickets and declared: “Without Shabi – I’m not going!”. “Shit!”, I thought to myself. Dudu grabbed me in my neck and said: “make the picnic box!”. Without any choice, I made the picnic box. Of course, I didn’t forget to put in it few videocassettes of “In the Taverna with Shimon Parnas” (A Friday night show that includes oriental music), a Koran book, Viagra packages, garlic, pepper, olive oil and grease – “The taste of the life”. Dudu started his Susita (an old Israeli car) and shouted to me: “Get in the car! Don’t waste any piece of time!”. “Where, the hell, does Dudu know all these phrases” – I wondered. I got into the Susita. Dudu started the car. After 5 minutes, the car succeeded to move! Dudu declared: ”We are on the wave, Shabi! We are at Full Gas!”. Indeed, the car didn’t make us disappointed. It was “running” at a speed of 7 km/h. Then, Dudu asked me: “Tell me something, what is the name of the ‘Ben-Gurion’ airport which is in Lod (an Israeli city), and where is it located?”. I told Dudu that I would handle this. I took the steering wheel to my hands and started to kick the asses of the roads. Many girls looked at me (but they quickly turned their back to me when Dudu tried to say to them a good word.). after two days of driving, we arrived to the “Ben-Gurion” airport. Dudu looked at the airplanes and his eyes were sparkling. He recalled his childhood, when he was flown to Alcatraz. I said to Dudu that we’ve better go on a plane. Dudu examined the tickets in his eyes. After 6 minutes of thinking, he asked me: “What is the meaning of 17.4.85?” . I checked out my folding calendar and I was surprised to discover that it was the 28.4.85 that day. “We missed our flight!!!!” – I shouted to the direction of Dudu’s hairy ear. Dudu didn’t despaired. He had a bright idea, as usual. He suggested: “why won’t we attach ourselves to another airplane??”. Before I managed to respond, Dudu grabbed me in my neck and attached me to the wheels of a ‘Boeing’ airplane. He attached himself to the wheels too, with his moustache’s hairs. After a short while, the airplane took off. Dudu was spinning in the air for 3 times and moaned in a silly way. I could hear Dudu’s ribs are getting broken. In the beginning, it was nice to hear, but afterwards, it became dissonant. After an hour, one of Dudu’s moustache’s hairs was cut off the wheel. Dudu looked at me and said: “Only two were left, you maniac!”. Before I managed to answer, Dudu removed his pants and attached his pubis hairs to the wheels. Dudu and I were hanging between sky and earth. When we reached a particular height level, there was not enough oxygen, so Dudu pulled out his breathing machine and started to cough. Meanwhile, I found an aperture in the bottom of the airplane and threaded myself into the plane. I found myself in the First Class. I sat next to Claudia Schiffer. Before I managed to tell something, Claudia Schiffer started to send her hands to various areas in my body. She inserted her hand to my sock-hole and “played” with my antennas. Suddenly, Dudu was pushed himself to the window and signed me to open the window accompanied with disgraceful hand movements and curses in Aramaic. Claudia was frightened. I told her: “Don’t worry, I will handle this!”. I scrawled to the direction of the plane’s door. Claudia accompanied me. In this moment, a small dialogue was developed between us:
Claudia: “What are you doing?”
Shabi: “Doing doing…”
Claudia: “What are you going to do?”
Shabi: “Going going…”
Then I reached the door. I saw a sign said “DO NOT OPEN!”. The word “OPEN” was enough to me. So I opened the door. Dudu was sucked in the plane. The powerful wind opened Claudia her shirt and her skirt. All the passengers could see Claudia naked. From the other hand, all the passengers, including the pilot, his apprentice and Shosh Atari [more information her is available in the story “Broadcasting from the raft”] were sucked out from the plane. The vision of Shosh Atari flying in the air was similar to the vision of the flying cow from the film “Twister”. We remained only Dudu Zar, me and Claudia Shchiffer naked. Dudu had only one thought in his head – “RAPE”. All the way long, he raped Claudia Shchiffer. After he finished with her, he threw her to a volcano. Dudu wasn’t satisfied – so he committed a “landing by force”. The plane crashed into a Macdonald’s branch in Hueston. We could see Ronald Macdonald flying in the air. Suddenly, two gangsters from NASA caught Dudu from his underwear. Dudu was two excited so he started to speak with them English (!!!) . He said: “I am Dudu, how do you do?”. The gangsters threw us to a black limousine and drove to the NASA offices. During the driving, they tried to have a chat with Dudu. Any question they were asking was replied “yes, yes, good, good”. When they asked him: “have you raped Claudia Schiffer?” – he answered: “Thank you very much. Dog, cat, ABC, WXYZ, man, woman, male, female and animal”. When they asked him: “how did it happen?” – he answered: “mother baked a cat, father ate the cake”. I was staring at Dudu and lowered my face and nodded. I told him: “Dudu, you don’t speak correct, Dudu!” – but Dudu continued: “Dana goes to school, Dani ran out of fuel, and Jimmy goes to Istanbul, and father bakes a cat!”. The gangsters looked at each other. After a second and a quarter, we found ourselves in front of the big boss of NASA. It was Itzick Hitman, the successful brother of Uzi Hitman, our friend from “Papar Nechmad” (“Nice butterfly”). Major Hitman asked Dudu to show him his documents. Dudu pulled out a death document, a porn magazine and a “You behaved yourself” sticker that he got from his dentist. I became pale. Major Hitman was very impressed and told: ”I am very impressed”. Dudu was excited again and said: “Jimmy wants to be a fireman!”. Major Hitman curled his face. I told Dudu that the boss wants him to say something in English. Dudu smiled to him and said: “Shalom, Haver” [“Goodbye, friend” in Hebrew]. Major Hitman accepted him. Dudu and I were pushed to the ferryboat. Dudu got 3.5 minutes to wear the astronaut suit. Dudu tried about 200 suits but none of them fitted him. In one of them, the helmet was too small; in another, the suit was too tight. Eventually, he found the right suit. But there was one problem left: Dudu’s moustache didn’t fit in. It was decided to remove Dudu’s moustache in a heart surgery. The surgery took 16 months. At this period of time, Dudu’s little brain was removed either. Dudu woke up during the surgery and told the doctors: “believe me, if you will check good, you will notice that I have only a little brain, and I am functioning with it very well.” The doctor didn’t understand. “And I also want an extra brain transplantation” – Dudu added. So the doctors removed him his appendix and transplanted it instead of his little brain. Dudu recovered after 5 seconds. Dudu and I entered to the spaceship. I was wearing a diving suit and Dudu – in his “Super moustache” suit [more information about the “SUPER MOUSTACHE” suit is available in the story “DUDU THE SUPER MOUSTACHE”]. The spaceship was very crowded – so we had to be hugged. The guys from NASA fired the thread and counted backwards. Then the spaceship started to rise up. When we reached to atmosphere, Dudu felt an itch in his neck. We were flying in the space for 7 light years to the direction of the planet “Abu-Christo”. During these 7 years, Dudu managed to grow a hair, everywhere on his body. This blocked totally the space in the spaceship. And then, in 5.5.92, we crashed on the planet of “Abu-Christo”. Without thinking twice, Dudu opened the spaceship’s door and went to look for a Falafel stand [an Israeli food]. The guys from NASA allocated us a food for 100 years, but Dudu and I finished it in 30 minutes. The food was in capsules and this infantile Dudu Zar, swallowed them all with the grease. Then, I shouted at him: “What are you doing, you jackass?! Now you go and bring us food before I am wasting your oxygen!” Dudu went to search for food in leaping. He came back after an hour and his hands were empty. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back! I disconnected Dudu from his oxygen and sucked it violently. Dudu was panic and suggested: “so you can eat my thumbs.” I refused. Dudu felt he needed oxygen as quickly as possible so he suggested: “so you drink my blood!” Without any choice, I started to suck his veins. For exchange, he sucked my stuffing material. This how we survived for 3 years: one drank the other’s liquids. When someone of us was doing a fart, we were going to search for it in the eternal space. We have been telling frightening stories to each other every day that we were on the planet. After 3 years of staying on this planet, the guys from the “mir” spaceship picked us up. We caused them many technical problems. Eventually, they threw us from the space ship. When we reached to the atmosphere, we were burned. We landed safely on the studios of “Parpar Nechmad”. And the rest, belongs to the history…
... Dudu was pushed to the plane. The strong wind opened Claudia Shchiffer her shirt and her skirt...